News Parodies and Satirical News

‘Young man crowned Teenage Idiot and Hometown Hero in the Same Night’

Oct. 20, 2021 Reagan Vozzella

In Salem Massachusetts, a town famously known for its 1692 witch trials, one seventeen year old boy ruined halloween for everybody. Max Dennison, a Leo, made a life or death decision on the night of Friday, October 31st.

Dennison was said to be breaking into the Sanderson Cottage, turned museum. This cottage is the former home of the Sanderson Sisters who were hanged on halloween night of 1693 on the accusation of using witchcraft.

Rumor has it that the sisters cast a spell that would resurrect them on the night of halloween when there is a full moon, when any virgin lights the Black Flame Candle.

Max, wanting to see if the legends were true (and impress this blonde girl who was out of his league), lit the candle. He said, “It’s all just a bunch of hocus pocus. No way the old hags really cursed this thing.” The locals questioned “Why did he have a lighter on him in the first place?”

This was exposing that he was, in fact, a virgin in front of the hottest girl at his high school. He seemed to immediately regret this decision of lighting the candle for multiple reasons following the act. The young woman still somehow proceeded to go out with him after all of this.

When questioned by local police if he really was a virgin, Dennison replied, “Look, I’ll get it tattooed on my forehead, okay?”

Dennison then casually resolved the issue when he led them to the cemetery which was hallowed ground as the sun rose the next morning. All three sisters were disintegrated, and Thackery Binx was freed from the curse.

Max Dennison was crowned both a teenage idiot, and hometown hero all in the same night.